When it rains, it pours

It amazes me how turbulent my emotions can be. I recall that only a year ago, I was at the peak of my mental insanity, on the verge of a breakdown that took me months to recuperate from. No, I didn’t have myself committed or anything, but something inside of me clicked and I’m still working on getting it back in the right place.

So, the last week or so, I’ve started feeling slightly normalized. I’m finding my emotions running strong, but they’re strongly good as well as bad. A couple of days ago, something inside of me clicked around the time my roomie came home from work, and I had a fit of the giggles that lasted for hours. HOURS. I mean, yes, I did other things in the meantime, but for so many hours, anything would set me off into a fit of laughter. Laughter so hard that I almost peed myself a couple of times.

When I was in DC a few weeks ago, I found myself snapping pictures of random things, left and right. My shoes. My sewing machine. A cool angle through a doorway that just looked nice to me. A couple of nights ago, the same thing happened with a trashcan. I know! A trashcan! But, my roomie had filled it up with that spray foam insulation stuff to see how much it expanded. And, I took a bunch of pictures of the texture.

These photo taking habits to me are a sign of a change inside of me. It’s like I’m finally starting to find my stride in life again. And, random things strike me as beautiful and texture filled and awesome. So, I snap pictures of them. And I learn a bit more about photoshop and play with them, and… what am I trying to say?

I think that I’m starting to come back into my “old” self. For so long, I’ve felt like I wasn’t right in my own skin. And I still don’t completely. But, I’m so glad that Love Thursday is back. Because really, it helps me feel a bit more normal in my life. It gives me something to look forward to and smile about.

Happy Love Thursday, y’all. Here’s an artsy picture of my shoes to be my photographic representation of this entry.

::muah::

Payin the bills

I really don’t like not knowing exactly when you’re gonna get paid. I mean, I know that I live on the other end of the country from the person who writes me my paycheck, but it’s the 30th, and I still haven’t gotten my check from the 15th. ::sigh:: I just need to know if I’ll be able to pay my rent tomorrow… you know? I guess it’s not technically due til Friday, but I need to be able to deposit the check tomorrow.

And what about time for the check to clear? ::sigh::

I hate worrying about money.

I hate titles

The weekend was one of those weekends that made me smile. On friday night, we ended up at one of those multigenerational parties that was just amusing. People were breakdancing next to an elderly couple who looked like they didn’t know what to do with themselves. Hilarious. My roomie tried to apologize when we got home for such a weird party, but I think I actually had more fun there than a lot of “normal” parties. Saturday night ended up at the Brewing Station, laughing a lot and hanging out with some awesome people.

Just saw this on Preita’s blog, so I did my own name. It’s kindof creepy how true it is.

What Cassafrass Means

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are usually the best at everything … you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic “Type A” personality. You are the total package – suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don’t always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don’t have as much going for them as you do. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people… but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You’re always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can’t handle you. You’re very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you’re likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What’s Your Name’s Hidden Meaning?

Bastards

Wow, nextblogworld.net sucks.

Dude, bastards. I wrote that content, NOT YOU.

On ups and downs

Wow, this last week has been out of control for me. I had to go off the Welbutrin because of the cost and fell into a pretty deep black hole of self pity and sadness. But, I think I’m pulling out of it.

(Dear me, stop hating yourself for no good reason. Love, me)

Since I quit smoking 2 1/2 weeks ago, I have only gained 2 lbs! WOO! And, now that I’ve gained back almost all of the weight I lost in Austin since I quit my office job there. WOO! Part 2!

Well, that’s kindof a lie. I’m still 15 lbs down from my initial “start” weight, but I lost about 40, all things considered. And I was only like 10 or 15 lbs away from my goal. DAMNIT! So, now I’m like 30 or 35 lbs away from my goal again.

So, now that my head is a bit better now than it was, I can talk about my weight loss goals without the self-depreciation of “GOD! I HATE MYSELF!” because apparently people don’t want to read that. And, they’ll use that kind of talk against me later even though this is MY blog and I’ll write about whatever the fuck I want… well, almost whatever the fuck I want. (Oh, I’m sorry, I’m still pissed off about whoever was watching my site with an IP blocker, because I’m 99% sure I know who it is, and I really want that person to get the fuck out of my life. Because that person is a fucking bitch and has made it her personal mission to make me miserable. That’s right, I said it. Woman who knows who she is, you’re a FUCKING BITCH. Stay away, kthanksbai.)

Anyways. Some people may yell at me for this, but… I’m gonna try the slimfast thing. It’ll help me actually have a breakfast and lunch, which will most likely keep me from binging late at night. WOO! I love my late night binging habits.  They make you feel so awesome when you step on the scale in the morning.

This was a sarcastic / slightly bitter entry. Cool. Sorry ’bout that.

The moral of the story? If I follow a “healthy” weight loss regime (1 – 2 lbs a week), I might be able to be at my goal before the summer starts. That would be cool.