Where do you go when you go away?

I mean… not literally, but figuratively.

I’ve been away. And when I wonder where I’ve been, I don’t really know how to answer that.

I’ve gotten email from a good friend of mine who keeps asking how I am. Like, for real. “How are YOU?” is the question posed to me, and I never quite know how to answer. As a result, I find myself communicating with that person less and less, all because I don’t know how to answer a simple question from a friend. I’ve felt very unattached in general lately, as though my life is a series of motions to be gone through…

But, thats not it, because it’s not as if I’m bored and disjointed or anything. It’s more like… my life has been so very odd for a couple of years now that it’s almost a defense mechanism to become distant in mind, body and soul from time to time. So, a friend asks me how I am, and I think “I don’t really know. I’ve been here functioning.”

My life is at an odd place. Some days, I still feel beaten down by shit that happened a year ago. Other times I feel rejuvenated and alive. I am in the midst of moving again, from my home for the last 10 months into my parents house. In a way, this is very good. I desperately need to pay off my debt and get my shit together. Yet, I’m now living with my parents again. It’s a little bittersweet, to say the least.

I threw myself a going away party last weekend. It turned out to be a good time. Most of my friends knew that “going away” only meant 10 miles down the road, but a few people really did think I was leaving. I felt a little bad, until I reminded them that it was all a big excuse to drink together and have a good time. I think everyone enjoyed themselves, and even if they didn’t, I DID.

See, here I am, being all sarcasticly sorry for myself, and then I’m all “Yeah, I threw myself a party and it was fun.” My life and thoughts are just so disjointed. No wonder I haven’t been writing. I can think of what it is that I want to be writing about. I have so much to say, but sometimes not a single bit of it comes to mind.